A 96-Year-Old's Letter to Bank

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
buttons as follows

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.

Your Humble Client