Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% of the congregation held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: . ...........
'I outlived the bitches.'
Friday, May 9, 2008
Girlie Wisdom
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me ! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....
LAUGH OFTEN....
LOVE DEEPLY
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me ! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....
LAUGH OFTEN....
LOVE DEEPLY
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Mental Health Phone Menu
- Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
- Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
- Line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
- Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
- You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
- Nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
- Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
- Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
- To talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
- Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
- part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you
- care.
- (Well, my job is done ..Your turn)
- Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
- Line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
- Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
- You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
- Nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
- Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
- Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
- To talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
- Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
- part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you
- care.
- (Well, my job is done ..Your turn)
Taliban Warning
This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.Who knew it would come to this? It's getting ugly.
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