A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
The Walmart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?
"I'm neither blind nor stupid," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
At the Supermarket
A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!
To the Girls !!
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .
-
-
But FART!! jus t ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those ........
Send this on to your friends and make them laugh.
smile and have a wonderful day!
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .
-
-
But FART!! jus t ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those ........
Send this on to your friends and make them laugh.
smile and have a wonderful day!
Friday, April 13, 2007
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short study)
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's
Our Generation
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods, no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods, no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK
· When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray at work.
· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.
· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.
· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work.
· When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.
· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to pray at work.
· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"........ You need to pray at work.
· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work.
· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ......You need to pray at work.
· If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray at work!
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.
· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.
· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work.
· When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.
· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to pray at work.
· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"........ You need to pray at work.
· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work.
· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ......You need to pray at work.
· If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray at work!
LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS
Letters to Kotex
Dear Kotex
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
1. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. 2. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. 3. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. 4. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.
Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. This advice was some brain function of a male.... right???
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activity that interests me is eating...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes of survival, many containing alcohol.
Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female is on her damn period!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces that need to be smacked hard, and shove them right up your ass.
Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
1. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. 2. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. 3. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. 4. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.
Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. This advice was some brain function of a male.... right???
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activity that interests me is eating...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes of survival, many containing alcohol.
Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.
Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female is on her damn period!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces that need to be smacked hard, and shove them right up your ass.
Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS
25 signs that you've grown up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next d oor won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, n ot condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next d oor won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, n ot condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
The Silent Treatment Men vs Women
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WHO DOES WHAT Men vs Women
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
Men vs Women
W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Connecticut Barbie
Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Connecticut Market:
Darien Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Branford Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Wind star minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.
Bridgeport Barbie - The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Seymour Barbie - Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this white-trash Housatonic Community College dropout has a permanently attached leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Vinny, Ken's "cousin" plays softball 4 nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances to share in the Bud Light club of girlfriends. Mr. P's attachment sold separately.
Greenwich Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Derby Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
Madison Barbie - This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print Bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.
Ansonia Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Derby Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Woodbury Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has a long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two North Hampton Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
New Haven Barbie - This Spanish-speaking -only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for New Haven Barbie for Ken.
East Haven Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings, and 1 ankle bracelet. Included are permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cell phone with the Mayor's office on speed-dial is sold separately.
Darien Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Branford Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Wind star minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.
Bridgeport Barbie - The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Seymour Barbie - Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this white-trash Housatonic Community College dropout has a permanently attached leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Vinny, Ken's "cousin" plays softball 4 nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances to share in the Bud Light club of girlfriends. Mr. P's attachment sold separately.
Greenwich Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Derby Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.
Madison Barbie - This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print Bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.
Ansonia Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Derby Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
Woodbury Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has a long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two North Hampton Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
New Haven Barbie - This Spanish-speaking -only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for New Haven Barbie for Ken.
East Haven Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings, and 1 ankle bracelet. Included are permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cell phone with the Mayor's office on speed-dial is sold separately.
No Spekka da English
At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again And pee twice. Then I come one la-sta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."
Gotta love those Connecticut girls
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Connecticut. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those Connecticut girls
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Connecticut. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those Connecticut girls
You can be the man of your house
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU Can BE The MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
Electric Company
I complained about my recent electric bill, and here's their response!
Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company, and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.
Have a nice day, and keep those checks coming, loser!
Sincerely,
Your Local Power Company
Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company, and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.
Have a nice day, and keep those checks coming, loser!
Sincerely,
Your Local Power Company
Hair Removal
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy -
A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake (remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.) I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Noo!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n- Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the waxshould melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions.
I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair THE HAIR IS STILL THERE. ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy -
A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake (remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.) I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Noo!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n- Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the waxshould melt and I can gently wipe it off right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions.
I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair THE HAIR IS STILL THERE. ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
When girls drink too much
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which I'm eating
even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them soooo much.
7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my God! I love this song!"
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think)cheated me by giving me just tonic, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on
the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which I'm eating
even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them soooo much.
7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my God! I love this song!"
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think)cheated me by giving me just tonic, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on
the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
You know you're Greek when...
1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public.
23) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi".
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.
35) You know what a "komboloi" is.
36) You know how to work a "komboloi".
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the "mavro pontiki" when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi.
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You've been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public.
23) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi".
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.
35) You know what a "komboloi" is.
36) You know how to work a "komboloi".
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the "mavro pontiki" when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi.
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You've been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.
English Translation for Greek Sayings
Slow the chandelier = Siga ton polielaio
- Are you working me? = Me doulevis?
- You changed my lights = Mou allaxes ta fota
- Slow the cabbage = Siga ta lahana
- Welcome to my balls = Kalos ta arhidia mou
- Come the angry to chase the quiet = Hrthan ta agria na dioxou ta hrema
- Important the cabbage = Spoudaia ta lahana
- They did her from hand = Tin ekanan apo heri
- Welcome my eyes the two = Kalos ta matia mou ta dio
- You will Fart my balls = Tha mou klasis ta arhidia
- Better five and in hand than ten and waiting = Kalio Pente kai sto heri para deka kai sto perimene.
- It says = Lei
- I've played them = Tous Epexa
- I made her lottery = Tin ekana lahio
- I stayed bone = Kokalosa
- Like the rain = San tin vrohi
- It happened the come to see = Egine to ela na dis
- Like the unfair curse = San tin adiki katara
- Something's running down to the gypsies = Kati trehi sta guftika
- It didn't sit on us = Den mas ekatse
- He gives her to me = Mou tin dini
- It brakes her to me = Mou tin spai
- Who pays the bride. = Pios plironi tin nufi?
- I don't know what is being done to me = Den Xero ti mou ginetai
- I don't know Christ = Den xero Hristo
- He doesn't have Christ = Den ehi theo
- Like the cold waters = San ta kria nera
- I came out of my clothes = Vgika apo ta rouha mou
- It rains chair legs = Vrehi Kareklopodara
- Hairs curly = Trihes Katsares
- I don't have face to come out in society = Den eho moutra na vgo stin koinonia
- How from here morning morning? = Pos apo edo proi proi?
- Glass the situation = Tzami e upothesi
- I see it pale = Ta vlepo thola
- You are for the festivals = Eisai gia ta panigiria
- I don't chew = Den Masao
- Does the goat chew taramas? = Masai e katsika tarama?
- Coffee pots are we gluing? = Mprikia Kolame?
- Marrows drums = Kolokithia toubana
- Marrows with the origan = Kolokithia me rigani
- I made them salad. = Ta ekana salata.
- I made them sea = Ta ekana thalassa
- I have spit them = Tous eftisa
- Carpet I will become to step me = Hali tha gino na me patas
- Holy Mary's eyes = Tis Panagias ta matia
- I take them to the skull = Ta exo pari sto kranio
- Whatever you remember you are glad = Oti thimasai herese
- Are you asking and the change from over? = Mou zitas kai ta resta?
- Glass! = Tzami!
- We drank him = Ton ipiame
- We confused our thighs = Mperdepsame ta mpoutia mas
- He farted me = Me Eklase
- Of the gay = Tou pousti
- She's taking him = Ton pairnei
- Your bad the weather = Eisai mi xirotera
- With this side to sleep = Me afto to pleuro na koimasai
- I am dogbored = Skulo Variemai
- We did black eyes to see you = Maura matia kanamai na se doume
- Like the snow = San ta hionia
- He made us the three two = Mas ekane ta tria dio
- You are a shopping = Eisai psonio
- Shit and from shit = Skata kai aposkata
- You reckon without the hotel owner = Logariazeis horis ton xenothoxo
- The madness doesn't go to the mountains = H trela den pai sta vouna
- Better your eye goes out than the name = Kalio na sou vgi to mati para to onoma
- Will I take out the snake from the hole? = Ego tha vgalo to fidi apo tin tripa?
- He sleeps with the hens = Koimate me tis kotes
- He stuck me to the wall = Me kolise ston toiho
- I'm sitting on ignited coals = Kathomai se anamena karvouna
- From here go and the others = Apo do pernane oloi
- You will eat wood = Tha fas xilo
- Don't ask me for the change = Min mou zitas ta resta
- He sat me on my neck = Mou katse ston laimo
- I balded! = Karafliasa!
- You balded me! = Me karafliases!
- You ate my ears = Mou fages ta autia
- Has the weather turnings = Exi o kairos gurismata
- Don't do the duck = Minkanis tin papia
- I have you in OPA OPA = Se exo sta OPA OPA
- Are you working me? = Me doulevis?
- You changed my lights = Mou allaxes ta fota
- Slow the cabbage = Siga ta lahana
- Welcome to my balls = Kalos ta arhidia mou
- Come the angry to chase the quiet = Hrthan ta agria na dioxou ta hrema
- Important the cabbage = Spoudaia ta lahana
- They did her from hand = Tin ekanan apo heri
- Welcome my eyes the two = Kalos ta matia mou ta dio
- You will Fart my balls = Tha mou klasis ta arhidia
- Better five and in hand than ten and waiting = Kalio Pente kai sto heri para deka kai sto perimene.
- It says = Lei
- I've played them = Tous Epexa
- I made her lottery = Tin ekana lahio
- I stayed bone = Kokalosa
- Like the rain = San tin vrohi
- It happened the come to see = Egine to ela na dis
- Like the unfair curse = San tin adiki katara
- Something's running down to the gypsies = Kati trehi sta guftika
- It didn't sit on us = Den mas ekatse
- He gives her to me = Mou tin dini
- It brakes her to me = Mou tin spai
- Who pays the bride. = Pios plironi tin nufi?
- I don't know what is being done to me = Den Xero ti mou ginetai
- I don't know Christ = Den xero Hristo
- He doesn't have Christ = Den ehi theo
- Like the cold waters = San ta kria nera
- I came out of my clothes = Vgika apo ta rouha mou
- It rains chair legs = Vrehi Kareklopodara
- Hairs curly = Trihes Katsares
- I don't have face to come out in society = Den eho moutra na vgo stin koinonia
- How from here morning morning? = Pos apo edo proi proi?
- Glass the situation = Tzami e upothesi
- I see it pale = Ta vlepo thola
- You are for the festivals = Eisai gia ta panigiria
- I don't chew = Den Masao
- Does the goat chew taramas? = Masai e katsika tarama?
- Coffee pots are we gluing? = Mprikia Kolame?
- Marrows drums = Kolokithia toubana
- Marrows with the origan = Kolokithia me rigani
- I made them salad. = Ta ekana salata.
- I made them sea = Ta ekana thalassa
- I have spit them = Tous eftisa
- Carpet I will become to step me = Hali tha gino na me patas
- Holy Mary's eyes = Tis Panagias ta matia
- I take them to the skull = Ta exo pari sto kranio
- Whatever you remember you are glad = Oti thimasai herese
- Are you asking and the change from over? = Mou zitas kai ta resta?
- Glass! = Tzami!
- We drank him = Ton ipiame
- We confused our thighs = Mperdepsame ta mpoutia mas
- He farted me = Me Eklase
- Of the gay = Tou pousti
- She's taking him = Ton pairnei
- Your bad the weather = Eisai mi xirotera
- With this side to sleep = Me afto to pleuro na koimasai
- I am dogbored = Skulo Variemai
- We did black eyes to see you = Maura matia kanamai na se doume
- Like the snow = San ta hionia
- He made us the three two = Mas ekane ta tria dio
- You are a shopping = Eisai psonio
- Shit and from shit = Skata kai aposkata
- You reckon without the hotel owner = Logariazeis horis ton xenothoxo
- The madness doesn't go to the mountains = H trela den pai sta vouna
- Better your eye goes out than the name = Kalio na sou vgi to mati para to onoma
- Will I take out the snake from the hole? = Ego tha vgalo to fidi apo tin tripa?
- He sleeps with the hens = Koimate me tis kotes
- He stuck me to the wall = Me kolise ston toiho
- I'm sitting on ignited coals = Kathomai se anamena karvouna
- From here go and the others = Apo do pernane oloi
- You will eat wood = Tha fas xilo
- Don't ask me for the change = Min mou zitas ta resta
- He sat me on my neck = Mou katse ston laimo
- I balded! = Karafliasa!
- You balded me! = Me karafliases!
- You ate my ears = Mou fages ta autia
- Has the weather turnings = Exi o kairos gurismata
- Don't do the duck = Minkanis tin papia
- I have you in OPA OPA = Se exo sta OPA OPA
Daddy Longlegs
A father watched his precious 6 yr old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those
two spiders doing?": she asked; "They're mating" her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" "That's Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked, "No" her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that queer shit in our garden."
two spiders doing?": she asked; "They're mating" her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" "That's Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked, "No" her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that queer shit in our garden."
Girlfriends
I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Pass this on to your girlfriends! If you get this twice or
more, you are lucky to have more than one girlfriend. Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
They will always be smarter.
Their house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".
SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN!!
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Pass this on to your girlfriends! If you get this twice or
more, you are lucky to have more than one girlfriend. Be happy!
Someone will always be prettier.
They will always be smarter.
Their house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".
SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN!!
Surefire Ways To Tell If You Are From Bridgeport
"Iranistan" has only three syllables, and none of them contain an "i."
. No matter what store they put on the corner of North and Park, it will always be called King Cole.
The Duchess at the nexus of North and Boston will forever be Maraczi's. Tomlinson is also The Greek's.
. The mall in Trumbull is better known as Korvette's.
. You're used to hearing people pronounce "Shelton" without a semblance of a "t."
. Anywhere north of Trumbull is called "up the line."
. You actually shopped downtown, especially at Christmas.
. You have no problem going to urban places like Yankee Stadium.
. You attended cartoon-laden matinees at the Hi-Way, Merritt or Beverly.
. You are fully aware of, and don't have a problem with Greek pizza.
. On the same topic, terms like "ahbeets," "mani-goat" and "scamotes" need no translation.
. The paper is still the Bridgeport Post.
. Notre Dame H. S. and SHU are still in Bridgeport.
. You know NOT to tell the guy at the Canteen "what's on that dog" until he has it in the cradle.
. You ate Pizza from Mario the Bakers if you were in the North End and Jennys on the West side
. Seaside Park is still the only beach in the area with no homes built on it and a dump behind it - never stopped any of us from going there - day or night.
. You went Ice Skating on Sunday afternoons at Wonderland of Ice.
. It was and always will be the Barnum & Bailey Circus at Seaside.
. St. V's needed no explanation to define what it was (i.e He's at St. V's...) .
. Various areas of town if not defined by parish were called the Hollow, the NorthEnd, Southside, Eastside.
. Who didn't shop at Skydels? Or Nydens?
. Who hasn't had at least one meal at DrumStik Barbecue or Galaxy Diner?
. You walked to Grants on Boston Ave. or Shoppers Fair at the other end.
. No matter what store they put on the corner of North and Park, it will always be called King Cole.
The Duchess at the nexus of North and Boston will forever be Maraczi's. Tomlinson is also The Greek's.
. The mall in Trumbull is better known as Korvette's.
. You're used to hearing people pronounce "Shelton" without a semblance of a "t."
. Anywhere north of Trumbull is called "up the line."
. You actually shopped downtown, especially at Christmas.
. You have no problem going to urban places like Yankee Stadium.
. You attended cartoon-laden matinees at the Hi-Way, Merritt or Beverly.
. You are fully aware of, and don't have a problem with Greek pizza.
. On the same topic, terms like "ahbeets," "mani-goat" and "scamotes" need no translation.
. The paper is still the Bridgeport Post.
. Notre Dame H. S. and SHU are still in Bridgeport.
. You know NOT to tell the guy at the Canteen "what's on that dog" until he has it in the cradle.
. You ate Pizza from Mario the Bakers if you were in the North End and Jennys on the West side
. Seaside Park is still the only beach in the area with no homes built on it and a dump behind it - never stopped any of us from going there - day or night.
. You went Ice Skating on Sunday afternoons at Wonderland of Ice.
. It was and always will be the Barnum & Bailey Circus at Seaside.
. St. V's needed no explanation to define what it was (i.e He's at St. V's...) .
. Various areas of town if not defined by parish were called the Hollow, the NorthEnd, Southside, Eastside.
. Who didn't shop at Skydels? Or Nydens?
. Who hasn't had at least one meal at DrumStik Barbecue or Galaxy Diner?
. You walked to Grants on Boston Ave. or Shoppers Fair at the other end.
A 96-Year-Old's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
buttons as follows
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.
Your Humble Client
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
buttons as follows
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.
Your Humble Client
Men!
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day
Alternatives to Swearing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter
INSTEAD OF:
She's a b___ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late:
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f____ way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF SAYING:
Tell someone who gives a sh___.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f___ problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h__ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He don't know sh___.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh___ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a___.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a___.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF :
Who the h__ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr__ck.
19) TRY SAYING:
That's not how I would handle that.
INSTEAD OF:
If he talked to me like that, I would kick his a___!
Thank You,
Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter
INSTEAD OF:
She's a b___ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late:
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f____ way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF SAYING:
Tell someone who gives a sh___.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f___ problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h__ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He don't know sh___.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh___ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a___.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a___.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF :
Who the h__ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr__ck.
19) TRY SAYING:
That's not how I would handle that.
INSTEAD OF:
If he talked to me like that, I would kick his a___!
Thank You,
Human Resources
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of! my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of! my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.
Mid Life
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a
great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great
menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and
would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or
maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives
us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We
are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can
see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're
sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager
and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can
retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand
McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . You start pondering
the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice
ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved
ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that
you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply
have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my
philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10
pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's
why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk deleting this.)
great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great
menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and
would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or
maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives
us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We
are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can
see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're
sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager
and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can
retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand
McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective . You start pondering
the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice
ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved
ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that
you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply
have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my
philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10
pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's
why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk deleting this.)
Why God Made Moms
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.
Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between Moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!
A Prayer for the Ladies
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
AMEN
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
AMEN
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mama used to do.
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mama used to do.
Should children witness child birth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a
Little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
Bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
Wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
The first place........ Smack his ** again.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a
Little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
Bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
Wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
The first place........ Smack his ** again.
Good news for Apple people
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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