Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Why Why Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?
</ B>Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That
really
hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****
are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?
</ B>Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your
first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That
really
hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Putting Your Affairs In Order...
A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some badNews.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk intoThe
Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and weCelebrate
When things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to theClub
And have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.There
Were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
Some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the twoWere
Celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over andWhispered,
"Mama, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
Your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
Father after I'm gone."
That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order".
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some badNews.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk intoThe
Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and weCelebrate
When things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to theClub
And have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.There
Were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
Some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the twoWere
Celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over andWhispered,
"Mama, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
Your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
Father after I'm gone."
That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order".
When God Created the Earth
God was missing for six days.. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, one of the most glorious places on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State, one of the most glorious places on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Forgiveness
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% of the congregation held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: . ...........
'I outlived the bitches.'
80% of the congregation held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: . ...........
'I outlived the bitches.'
Girlie Wisdom
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me ! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....
LAUGH OFTEN....
LOVE DEEPLY
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me ! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
LIVE SIMPLY.....
LAUGH OFTEN....
LOVE DEEPLY
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Mental Health Phone Menu
- Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
- Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
- Line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
- Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
- You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
- Nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
- Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
- Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
- To talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
- Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
- part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you
- care.
- (Well, my job is done ..Your turn)
- Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
- Line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
- Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
- You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
- Nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
- Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
- Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
- To talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
- Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
- part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you
- care.
- (Well, my job is done ..Your turn)
Taliban Warning
This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.Who knew it would come to this? It's getting ugly.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Church Bulletins
Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services
----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
-------------------- ------ --------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
----------------------------------- -----------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
-------------------- ------ --------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
----------------------------------- -----------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Six Truths of Life
SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself. You hang in there sunshine,
you're freakin' special.
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself. You hang in there sunshine,
you're freakin' special.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Black Market Organ Thieves
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick . The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm sway to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.? What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee!
Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
It happened to me, so BEWARE...
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm sway to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.? What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee!
Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
It happened to me, so BEWARE...
Thursday, March 27, 2008
The President's Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
How to Spend Your Tax Refund
As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every
one of us would now get a nice 'rebate'.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer, it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to buy beer, since those are the only businesses
still in the US.
one of us would now get a nice 'rebate'.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer, it will all go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to buy beer, since those are the only businesses
still in the US.
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this
take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this
take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
"Am I Gay?" Self Examination For Men
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely
on the verge on being a fudgepacker.
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely
on the verge on being a fudgepacker.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Perspective
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.
'Oh yeah,' said the son.
'So, tell me, what did you learn from t he trip?' asked the father.
The son answered:
'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our si ght.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?'
'It was great, Dad.'
'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.
'Oh yeah,' said the son.
'So, tell me, what did you learn from t he trip?' asked the father.
The son answered:
'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our si ght.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
One For the Girls
One for the girls
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away .
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1 It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. <>3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. I t is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away .
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1 It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. <>3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. I t is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
Coffee?
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and
how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to
make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with
water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the
first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last
she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil ; without
saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished
the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and
placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning
to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.
She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the
daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she
observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the
same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went
in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after
sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The
ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling
water, they changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks
on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee
bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong,
but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my
strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup,
a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and
stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and
tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot
water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets
hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean,
when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation
around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest,
do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials
to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to
make you happy.
May we all be COFFEE
how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to
make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with
water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the
first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last
she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil ; without
saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished
the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and
placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning
to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.
She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the
daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she
observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the
same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went
in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after
sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The
ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling
water, they changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks
on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee
bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong,
but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my
strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup,
a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and
stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and
tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot
water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets
hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean,
when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation
around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest,
do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials
to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to
make you happy.
May we all be COFFEE
Saturday, March 1, 2008
10 Pet Peeves Dogs have about Humans
'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!
'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
'7' Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth.
You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
'7' Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth.
You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
Reason, Season, Lifetime
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant
Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you.
0 Replies - you may need to work on your 'people skills'
2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
4 Replies - you have picked your friends well!
6 Replies - you are downright popular
8 Replies or more - you are totally awesome
(and that's probably why you're on MY list)
I wonder what mine will be.
GUARDIAN ANGEL
Forward this message the same day you received it.
It may sound ridiculous but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them. Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends.
Tomorrow at 11:04 somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear. Please do not break it. Send it to at least 7 of your friends.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant
Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you.
0 Replies - you may need to work on your 'people skills'
2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
4 Replies - you have picked your friends well!
6 Replies - you are downright popular
8 Replies or more - you are totally awesome
(and that's probably why you're on MY list)
I wonder what mine will be.
GUARDIAN ANGEL
Forward this message the same day you received it.
It may sound ridiculous but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them. Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends.
Tomorrow at 11:04 somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear. Please do not break it. Send it to at least 7 of your friends.
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