Mental Health Phone Menu

- Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
- Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
- Line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
- Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
- You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
- Nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
- Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
- Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
- To talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
- Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
- part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you
- care.
- (Well, my job is done ..Your turn)