How to Spend Your Tax Refund

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every
one of us would now get a nice 'rebate'.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer, it will all go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to buy beer, since those are the only businesses
still in the US.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this
take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.