Church Bulletins

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

Six Truths of Life

SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE


1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.



I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself. You hang in there sunshine,
you're freakin' special.

Black Market Organ Thieves

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick . The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm sway to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.? What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee!

Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!


The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

It happened to me, so BEWARE...