Email Jokes and other Forwards

2008-08-12T19:58:00.001-04:00

just a test

Why Why Why

2008-06-30T12:02:00.000-04:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

</ B>Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your

first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That
really
hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage
to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****

Putting Your Affairs In Order...

2008-06-24T10:14:00.001-04:00

A woman went to her doctor.
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some badNews.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk intoThe
Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and weCelebrate
When things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to theClub
And have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.There
Were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
Some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the twoWere
Celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over andWhispered,
"Mama, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
Your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your
Father after I'm gone."
That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order".

When God Created the Earth

2008-06-24T09:09:00.000-04:00

God was missing for six days.. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, one of the most glorious places on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.

Forgiveness

2008-05-09T09:58:00.001-04:00

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: . ...........

'I outlived the bitches.'

Girlie Wisdom

2008-05-09T09:56:00.000-04:00

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me ! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

LIVE SIMPLY.....
LAUGH OFTEN....
LOVE DEEPLY

Mental Health Phone Menu

2008-05-01T10:42:00.000-04:00

- Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .
- Please select from the following options menu:
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the
- Line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
- Mother Ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell
- You which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
- Nothing will make you happy anyway.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the
- Beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
- Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
- To talk with you.
- If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
- Down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
- If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
- This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
- part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show
you
- care.
- (Well, my job is done ..Your turn)

Taliban Warning

2008-05-01T08:46:00.000-04:00

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.Who knew it would come to this? It's getting ugly.

Church Bulletins

2008-04-08T19:10:00.001-04:00

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services

----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
-------------------- ------ --------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
----------------------------------- -----------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members
and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday : 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

Six Truths of Life

2008-04-04T23:26:00.001-04:00

SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself. You hang in there sunshine,
you're freakin' special.

Black Market Organ Thieves

2008-04-02T10:28:00.000-04:00

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. Well, this kind of cruel theft is happening with other body parts as well. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick . The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal.Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm sway to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.? What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee!

Those "plastic" surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!

The next time someone you know has something "lifted", look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

It happened to me, so BEWARE...

The President's Puzzle

2008-03-27T10:07:00.001-04:00

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

How to Spend Your Tax Refund

2008-03-19T20:45:00.000-04:00

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each and every
one of us would now get a nice 'rebate'.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline, it will all go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer, it will all go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico,
Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan.

If we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it
will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to buy beer, since those are the only businesses
still in the US.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

2008-03-19T20:44:00.001-04:00

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this
take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

"Am I Gay?" Self Examination For Men

2008-03-12T23:55:00.001-04:00

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are
gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and
have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing
the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,
but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a
cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs
feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list
because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely
on the verge on being a fudgepacker.

Perspective

2008-03-07T10:16:00.001-05:00

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, 'How was the trip?'

'It was great, Dad.'

'Did you see how poor people live?' the father asked.

'Oh yeah,' said the son.

'So, tell me, what did you learn from t he trip?' asked the father.

The son answered:
'I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our si ght.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.'
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, 'Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are.'

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

One For the Girls

2008-03-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away .
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1 It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. <>3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. I t is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

Coffee?

2008-03-06T09:30:00.000-05:00

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and
how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to
make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with
water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the
first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last
she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil ; without
saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished
the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and
placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning
to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots.
She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the
daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she
observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The
daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the
same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went
in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after
sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The
ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling
water, they changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks
on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee
bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong,
but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my
strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup,
a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and
stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and
tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot
water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets
hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean,
when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation
around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest,
do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials
to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to
make you happy.

May we all be COFFEE

10 Pet Peeves Dogs have about Humans

2008-03-01T11:33:00.002-05:00

'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!

'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

'7' Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth.

You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you? EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY. A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Reason, Season, Lifetime

2008-03-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,
their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
Love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

Thank you for being a part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you.
0 Replies - you may need to work on your 'people skills'
2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
4 Replies - you have picked your friends well!
6 Replies - you are downright popular
8 Replies or more - you are totally awesome
(and that's probably why you're on MY list)
I wonder what mine will be.

GUARDIAN ANGEL
Forward this message the same day you received it.
It may sound ridiculous but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them. Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends.
Tomorrow at 11:04 somebody will address you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear. Please do not break it. Send it to at least 7 of your friends.

Being a Mother

2008-02-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me
to take another woman out to dinner and a movie.
She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman
loves you and would Love to spend
some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my Mother, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner
and a movie. "What's wrong, are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects
that a late night call or a surprise invitation
is a sign of bad news.

"I thought that it would be pleasant to spend
some time with you," I responded "just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, and then said, "I woul d like tha t ver y much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's
"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear
about our meeting."

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant,
was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm
as if she were the First Lady.

After we sat down, I had to read the menu.
Her eyes could only read large print. Half-way through the entrees, I lifted my eyes and saw Mother sitting there s taring at m e. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.

"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded. During the dinner , we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice, much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her. Sometime later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined. An attach ed no te said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but, nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me.

"I love you, son"

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I love YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till some 'other' time.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.. somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.

Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first... somebody doesn't have
two or more children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is la bor and delivery...somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten... or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said a Mmther can stop worrying after her child gets married... somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home... somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her... somebody isn't a mother.

Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life and to everyone who ever had a mother.

This isn't just about being a mother; it's about appreciating the people in your lives while you have them... no matter who that person is!
&nb sp;
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch yo ur wo rds, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes...
your destiny.

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet
is fighting some kind of battle".

Work vs. Prison

2008-02-25T12:59:00.002-05:00

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
@ PRISON You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK you spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle
@ PRISON You get three meals a day, fully paid for
@ WORK you get a break for one meal and You have to pay for it
@ PRISON For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK For good behavior, you get more work
@ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK You must carry a security card And open all the doors yourself
@ PRISON You can watch TV and play games

@ WORK you could get fired for watching TV and playing games @ WORK
@ PRISON You get your own toilet
@ WORK you have to share the toilet with People who pee on the seat
@ PRISONThey allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK you aren't even supposed to speak To your family

@ PRISONAll expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK you must pay all your expenses to go To work, and they deduct taxes from Your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK you spend most of your time wanting To get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens
@WORK They are called "managers"
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails

Women Drivers

2008-02-25T12:53:00.001-05:00

This morning on the 101, I looked over to my left and there was a
WOMAN in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers

Pennies

2008-02-23T11:53:00.000-05:00

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.

He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?"
"No, keep reading."
"In God we Trust?"
"Yes!"
"And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!"

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.

It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..

Little Carol

2008-02-19T18:03:00.002-05:00

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

Fairy Tale

2008-02-19T09:32:00.002-05:00

One day -- long, long ago -- there was this woman
who did not whine, nag, and bitch....

But this was a long time ago.....

And it was just ONE day.

The End

Menopause Jewelry

2008-02-19T09:30:00.000-05:00

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big friggin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass.

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Friends

2008-02-16T10:15:00.001-05:00

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -
I will know you are plotting something that I just have to be involved with.

4. When you are scared -
I will rag your sorry ass about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -
Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath....
I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

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Pricey Diamonds

2008-02-15T10:11:00.001-05:00

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that t he salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Hot Chocolate

2008-02-14T17:53:00.001-05:00

A group of graduates, well established in their
areers, were talking at a
reunion and decided to go visit their old university
professor, now retired.
During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints
about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into
the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass,
crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to
help themselves to the hot chocolate.

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: 'Notice that
all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones.
While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source
of your problems and stress. The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing
to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and
in some cases even hides what we drink.

What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously
went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups. Now consider
this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups.
They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change
the quality of life you have.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God
has provided us. God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups.

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make t
he best of everything that they have. Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate.

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Woman's Poem / Man's Poem

2008-02-14T17:45:00.001-05:00

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks, one who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to
"How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with Huge boobs who owns a bar
on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and hunting.
This Doesn't rhyme and I
don't give a crap

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Cartoon Character Personality test

2008-02-14T11:56:00.001-05:00

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test.

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results.

Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done.
Then forward this to all your friends ( including the person who sent it to you ) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Goi ng to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts )
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween(1 pt.)
b) Christmas(3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentine's Day(4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving(5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts)
b) Spain(5 pts)
c) Las Vegas(1 pt)
d) Hawaii(4 pts)
e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you.
Very interesting to see 'who' your friends are!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you ' re never out of style , you are good at knowing how to sati sfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optim istic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would n ever not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it' s funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less overthinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email to what you are and send it on.

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

2008-02-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps
me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful
in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his
feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top
of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released
- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe. For now...

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Religious Maxine

2008-02-12T12:11:00.001-05:00

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said, 'Lord, take pity on me, if you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila.'Miraculously, a parking place appeared.She looked up again and said, 'Never mind. I found one.'

As I've Matured

2008-02-12T08:56:00.000-05:00

As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do isstalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are justjackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for naturalstupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't workingin your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows,maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!

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Funny Newspaper Ads

2007-06-07T17:40:00.001-04:00

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

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Being Greek

2007-05-14T11:56:00.000-04:00

**American Kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents
**Greek Kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married...unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

**American Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings a nice bundt cake and you sip coffee and chat.
** Greek Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, do the laundry or rearrange the furniture.

**American Kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its usually only on special occasions.
** Greek Kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00 and starts pruning the fruit trees. And if there are no fruit trees, he will plant some!

**American Parents: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
** Greek Parents: No problem, leave your kids there and if they get out of line your parents can set them straight...plus they get fed.

**American Kids: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
** Greek Kids: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal, knowwhatImean?

**American Kids: Will come over for cake and coffee and get only cake and coffee, no more.
** Greek Kids: Will come over for koulourakia and coffee and get salad, feta, bread, few bottles of wine, a choice of two meats, potatoes, a nice dessert cake, fruit, coffee and a few after dinner drinks...time permitting there will be a late lunch as well.

**American Kids: Think that being Greek is a great thing.
** Greek Kids: Know that being Greek is a great thing.

**American Kids: Never ask the reason you have no food.
** Greek Kids: Are the reason you have no food.

**American Kids: Will say 'hello".
** Greek Kids: Will give you a big hug and a kiss, pinch your cheeks, and pat you on the back.

**American Kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
** Greek Kids: Call your parents Thea and Theo.

**American Kids: Have never seen you cry.
** Greek Kids: Cry with you.

**American Kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
** Greek Kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.

** American Kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
** Greek Kids: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

**American Kids: Know a few things about you.
** Greek Kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

**American Kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
** Greek Kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.

**American Kids: Would knock on your door.
** Greek Kids: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

**American Kids: Are for a while.
** Greek Kids: Are for life.

**American Kids: Will ignore this.
** Greek Kids: Will forward this.

Getting Old

2007-05-11T15:10:00.000-04:00

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So
you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.

A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee-makercake.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.......

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Grandma's Boyfriend

2007-05-07T09:36:00.001-04:00

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
Watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
Comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, Hello, son is your Grandma home?

The little boy replied, Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend. The minister fainted.

Womanhood

2007-05-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 40 can fit into their stuff.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say thing s like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Celebrate Womanhood! Share this with all of those amazingly brilliant and tremendously talented women who are intelligent enough to call YOU their friend

The Chinese Newlyweds

2007-05-03T09:25:00.000-04:00

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On the wedding night, she gets naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting juss anyting you wan. Wha chew wan?" he asks, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently(and eagerly)for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someting I hear about ...numbaa 69".More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You wan... chicken wiff broccori?

Dog Attack

2007-05-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.

"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet".

Friends

2007-05-01T09:41:00.000-04:00

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom

Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say, "Let's cry together,"
another, "Let's fight together,"
another, "Let's walk away together."

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
another your shoe fetish,
another your love for movies,
another will be with you in your season of confusion,
another will be your clarifier,
another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion,
on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair
pulled back,
or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many, it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7th grade,
one from high school,
several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor,
on all days.......your sister Morning Angels
and on some days, your daughters.

So whether they've been your friend for 30 minutes or 30 years,
AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO,
pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
to make a difference.

Speeding Ticket

2007-04-24T11:15:00.000-04:00

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

The Walmart Greeter

2007-04-23T10:59:00.000-04:00

A very loud, unattractive, mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. Oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?

"I'm neither blind nor stupid," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

At the Supermarket

2007-04-23T09:51:00.001-04:00

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day

2007-04-18T11:18:00.000-04:00

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day!

To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. (Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart. -Caryn Leschen-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt-

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

2007-04-18T11:15:00.000-04:00

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel.

Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.

S O M E T I M E S

2007-04-17T09:52:00.000-04:00

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .

-

-

But FART!! jus t ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those ........
Send this on to your friends and make them laugh.
smile and have a wonderful day!

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short study)

2007-04-13T23:16:00.000-04:00

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's

2007-04-12T17:31:00.001-04:00

Our Generation

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound, CD's or Ipods, no cell phones!, no personal computers , no Internet or chat rooms....... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives

for our own good

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

HOW TO TELL IF YOU NEED TO PRAY AT WORK

2007-04-12T17:27:00.000-04:00

· When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the s#@! out of her"...You need to pray at work.

· When someone comes in and announces, "office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "what the f*&% do they want now?"..... You need to pray at work.

· When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "which one of you sons of b*&^%$# turned off my computer?"..... You need to pray at work.

· When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says, "well at my last office...," and you want to throw a stapler at him...... You need to pray at work.

· When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "what the h*&^ does she want now?" and you try to hide underneath your desk......... You need to pray at work.

· When you are asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "both of y'all can kiss my a@@!!".... You need to pray at work.

· When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "sorry a## M#$^%F%&#s"........ You need to pray at work.

· If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping or flattening someone's tires that you work with...... You need to pray at work.

· If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story ......You need to pray at work.

· If you know all the words that have been bleeped out....You need to pray at work!

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS

Letters to Kotex

2007-04-12T17:26:00.001-04:00

Dear Kotex

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

1. Staying active during your period can relieve cramps. 2. Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches. 3. Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh. 4. Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.

Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go ahead. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. This advice was some brain function of a male.... right???

Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activity that interests me is eating...and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggin activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes of survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products.

It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.

Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in store microphone to the damn package & announce that...helloooo, another female is on her damn period!!!!!

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces that need to be smacked hard, and shove them right up your ass.

Ovarily Yours,

Miss PMS

25 signs that you've grown up

2007-04-12T17:24:00.001-04:00

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next d oor won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, n ot condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus: 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.

The Silent Treatment Men vs Women

2007-04-12T17:22:00.001-04:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WHO DOES WHAT Men vs Women

2007-04-12T17:21:00.001-04:00

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Men vs Women

2007-04-12T17:19:00.000-04:00

W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

2007-04-12T17:18:00.000-04:00

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

2007-04-12T17:17:00.002-04:00

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

2007-04-12T17:17:00.001-04:00

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

2007-04-12T17:16:00.001-04:00

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

2007-04-12T17:15:00.000-04:00

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

2007-04-12T17:14:00.000-04:00

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

2007-04-12T17:04:00.000-04:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Connecticut Barbie

2007-04-12T17:02:00.000-04:00

Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls for the Connecticut Market:

Darien Barbie - This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a long-haired dog named Honey and a 3500 SF house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Branford Barbie - This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Wind star minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately.

Bridgeport Barbie - The recently paroled former "Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a meth-lab kit. This model is available after dark and can only be paid for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Seymour Barbie - Accompanied with a free carton of smokes, this white-trash Housatonic Community College dropout has a permanently attached leather jacket with fringe. Boyfriend Vinny, Ken's "cousin" plays softball 4 nights a week, at which she makes regular appearances to share in the Bud Light club of girlfriends. Mr. P's attachment sold separately.

Greenwich Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Derby Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Madison Barbie - This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print Bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. Percocet prescription available.

Ansonia Barbie - This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Derby Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.

Woodbury Barbie - This doll is made of actual tofu. She has a long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two North Hampton Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.

New Haven Barbie - This Spanish-speaking -only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and four baby Barbie's in the backseat (no car seats). The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for New Haven Barbie for Ken.

East Haven Barbie - This Italian Princess Barbie comes with teased black hair, 12 gold chains, 7 gold bracelets, 8 rings, and 1 ankle bracelet. Included are permanently attached cell phone and a black Monte Carlo with ILUVTONY license plates. The accompanying Ken doll has been replaced with a black haired Tony doll with hairy chest and gel/hairdryer kit. A camera/cell phone with the Mayor's office on speed-dial is sold separately.

No Spekka da English

2007-04-12T16:56:00.000-04:00

At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again And pee twice. Then I come one la-sta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

Gotta love those Connecticut girls

2007-04-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Connecticut. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those Connecticut girls

You can be the man of your house

2007-04-12T16:53:00.000-04:00

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU Can BE The MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."

Electric Company

2007-04-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

I complained about my recent electric bill, and here's their response!

Dear Electric Customer,

Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company, and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks to be you.

We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response.

Have a nice day, and keep those checks coming, loser!

Sincerely,

Your Local Power Company

Hair Removal

2007-04-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts me!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my v-g-na and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. Crap!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy -

A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly, I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. Crap! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake (remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.) I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Noo!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door. V-g-n- Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the waxshould melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions.

I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair THE HAIR IS STILL THERE. ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

When girls drink too much

2007-04-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt
while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly
believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless
hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich on the floor (which I'm eating
even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them soooo much.
7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my God! I love this song!"
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think)cheated me by giving me just tonic, but that's just because I can no longer taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on
the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

You know you're Greek when...

2007-04-12T16:33:00.000-04:00

1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2) Your uncle owns a restaurant, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo.
3) You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
4) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5) You have a relative that has done something that required the IRS to threaten him.
6) Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
7) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 dance clubs.
8) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to Wasaga.
9) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
10) All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
11) A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
12) You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
13) If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14) There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15) You netted more than $50,000 on your baptism.
16) At some point in your life, you waited tables.
17) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Embros" when answering the phone.
18) You are an adult and are forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Year's Eve.
19) Upon meeting another Greek, one of your first questions is, "what church do you go to"?
20) Your grandmother/mother/aunt has a miracle cure for every ailment under the sun.
21) You can name any or all of the gods on Mount Olympus.
22) Your mother or father still feel the need to tell you, "katse kala" in public.
23) You have been hit with a "pandofla" or a "koutala" or a "lourithi".
24) You can dance the kalamatiano, tsamiko or zebekiko without music.
25) You or a family member have been photographed with a donkey.
26) You must name your children after your parents, grandparents, or in-laws.
27) You have at least 5 Maria's, 9 Dimitri's, 5 Niko's, 6 George's and 4 Yanni's in the family.
28) You have ever heard the phrase, "Sto leo yia to kalo sou".
29) Your parents have ever made up the name of a street or store or tv show because they couldn't remember it or pronounce it.
30) Upon meeting another Greek you try to find out what village they're from.
31) You have ever been threatened by a Greek School Teacher.
32) You still get threatened by a Greek School Teacher even though you're 30 yrs old.
33) You have been spanked by your friend's parents because your parents gave them permission to.
34) You have a bottle of OUZO in your house right now.
35) You know what a "komboloi" is.
36) You know how to work a "komboloi".
37) When you were younger and going on car trips you always had to sit on someone's lap in the front or back seat.
38) You were ever threatened to be eaten by the "mavro pontiki" when you were little.
39) Someone in your family owns or works in any type of restaurant.
40) You are surprised to learn that the local pet store does not sell goats.
41) You can't understand why McDonald's rejected your idea for the "McFeta" Burger.
42) Your entire house is a needlepoint warehouse!
43) You eat Vanilla with a spoon from the jar.
44) You have at least 2 kitchens in your house and a lamb roaster in your backyard.
45) Your parents keep the unclaimed $$$$$ in old moth ball smelling coat pockets.
46) At Weddings the karta (card) is determined on the amount of food, the type of band, if the couple is Greek and whether you are convinced the marriage will last.
47) You make up your own Greco-American language :For e.g. Carro (car), Moovare (move), Wassemassini (washing machine), bassi (bus).
48) You can always go to yiayia or papou to curse out your parents and all they do is soothe you and feed you karpouzi.
49) You have been given the evil eye by your mother in public and/or the biting of the forefinger knuckle.
50) You were the first one to get cable on your block, but the last to have it legally.
51) You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings, because you wind up smelling like armpits at the end of the night.
52) You've been embarrassed by Mom or Dad in stores because they expect the Greek discount and ask to waive the tax if they pay in cash.

English Translation for Greek Sayings

2007-04-12T16:24:00.000-04:00

Slow the chandelier = Siga ton polielaio
- Are you working me? = Me doulevis?
- You changed my lights = Mou allaxes ta fota
- Slow the cabbage = Siga ta lahana
- Welcome to my balls = Kalos ta arhidia mou
- Come the angry to chase the quiet = Hrthan ta agria na dioxou ta hrema
- Important the cabbage = Spoudaia ta lahana
- They did her from hand = Tin ekanan apo heri
- Welcome my eyes the two = Kalos ta matia mou ta dio
- You will Fart my balls = Tha mou klasis ta arhidia
- Better five and in hand than ten and waiting = Kalio Pente kai sto heri para deka kai sto perimene.
- It says = Lei
- I've played them = Tous Epexa
- I made her lottery = Tin ekana lahio
- I stayed bone = Kokalosa
- Like the rain = San tin vrohi
- It happened the come to see = Egine to ela na dis
- Like the unfair curse = San tin adiki katara
- Something's running down to the gypsies = Kati trehi sta guftika
- It didn't sit on us = Den mas ekatse
- He gives her to me = Mou tin dini
- It brakes her to me = Mou tin spai
- Who pays the bride. = Pios plironi tin nufi?
- I don't know what is being done to me = Den Xero ti mou ginetai
- I don't know Christ = Den xero Hristo
- He doesn't have Christ = Den ehi theo
- Like the cold waters = San ta kria nera
- I came out of my clothes = Vgika apo ta rouha mou
- It rains chair legs = Vrehi Kareklopodara
- Hairs curly = Trihes Katsares
- I don't have face to come out in society = Den eho moutra na vgo stin koinonia
- How from here morning morning? = Pos apo edo proi proi?
- Glass the situation = Tzami e upothesi
- I see it pale = Ta vlepo thola
- You are for the festivals = Eisai gia ta panigiria
- I don't chew = Den Masao
- Does the goat chew taramas? = Masai e katsika tarama?
- Coffee pots are we gluing? = Mprikia Kolame?
- Marrows drums = Kolokithia toubana
- Marrows with the origan = Kolokithia me rigani
- I made them salad. = Ta ekana salata.
- I made them sea = Ta ekana thalassa
- I have spit them = Tous eftisa
- Carpet I will become to step me = Hali tha gino na me patas
- Holy Mary's eyes = Tis Panagias ta matia
- I take them to the skull = Ta exo pari sto kranio
- Whatever you remember you are glad = Oti thimasai herese
- Are you asking and the change from over? = Mou zitas kai ta resta?
- Glass! = Tzami!
- We drank him = Ton ipiame
- We confused our thighs = Mperdepsame ta mpoutia mas
- He farted me = Me Eklase
- Of the gay = Tou pousti
- She's taking him = Ton pairnei
- Your bad the weather = Eisai mi xirotera
- With this side to sleep = Me afto to pleuro na koimasai
- I am dogbored = Skulo Variemai
- We did black eyes to see you = Maura matia kanamai na se doume
- Like the snow = San ta hionia
- He made us the three two = Mas ekane ta tria dio
- You are a shopping = Eisai psonio
- Shit and from shit = Skata kai aposkata
- You reckon without the hotel owner = Logariazeis horis ton xenothoxo
- The madness doesn't go to the mountains = H trela den pai sta vouna
- Better your eye goes out than the name = Kalio na sou vgi to mati para to onoma
- Will I take out the snake from the hole? = Ego tha vgalo to fidi apo tin tripa?
- He sleeps with the hens = Koimate me tis kotes
- He stuck me to the wall = Me kolise ston toiho
- I'm sitting on ignited coals = Kathomai se anamena karvouna
- From here go and the others = Apo do pernane oloi
- You will eat wood = Tha fas xilo
- Don't ask me for the change = Min mou zitas ta resta
- He sat me on my neck = Mou katse ston laimo
- I balded! = Karafliasa!
- You balded me! = Me karafliases!
- You ate my ears = Mou fages ta autia
- Has the weather turnings = Exi o kairos gurismata
- Don't do the duck = Minkanis tin papia
- I have you in OPA OPA = Se exo sta OPA OPA

Daddy Longlegs

2007-04-12T16:18:00.001-04:00

A father watched his precious 6 yr old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those
two spiders doing?": she asked; "They're mating" her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" "That's Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked, "No" her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that queer shit in our garden."

Girlfriends

2007-04-12T16:12:00.000-04:00

I'm only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use, and the
girlfriends I have. Here's to you! Why do we only have parties for each
other when one of us gets married, pregnant, has a birthday, or retires?
What would most of us do without our sisters, confidants, and shopping,
lunching and traveling girlfriends? Let's celebrate each other for each
other's sake! Pass this on to your girlfriends! If you get this twice or
more, you are lucky to have more than one girlfriend. Be happy!

Someone will always be prettier.
They will always be smarter.
Their house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".

SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN!!

Surefire Ways To Tell If You Are From Bridgeport

2007-04-12T16:07:00.001-04:00

"Iranistan" has only three syllables, and none of them contain an "i."
. No matter what store they put on the corner of North and Park, it will always be called King Cole.
The Duchess at the nexus of North and Boston will forever be Maraczi's. Tomlinson is also The Greek's.
. The mall in Trumbull is better known as Korvette's.
. You're used to hearing people pronounce "Shelton" without a semblance of a "t."
. Anywhere north of Trumbull is called "up the line."
. You actually shopped downtown, especially at Christmas.
. You have no problem going to urban places like Yankee Stadium.
. You attended cartoon-laden matinees at the Hi-Way, Merritt or Beverly.
. You are fully aware of, and don't have a problem with Greek pizza.
. On the same topic, terms like "ahbeets," "mani-goat" and "scamotes" need no translation.
. The paper is still the Bridgeport Post.
. Notre Dame H. S. and SHU are still in Bridgeport.
. You know NOT to tell the guy at the Canteen "what's on that dog" until he has it in the cradle.
. You ate Pizza from Mario the Bakers if you were in the North End and Jennys on the West side
. Seaside Park is still the only beach in the area with no homes built on it and a dump behind it - never stopped any of us from going there - day or night.
. You went Ice Skating on Sunday afternoons at Wonderland of Ice.
. It was and always will be the Barnum & Bailey Circus at Seaside.
. St. V's needed no explanation to define what it was (i.e He's at St. V's...) .
. Various areas of town if not defined by parish were called the Hollow, the NorthEnd, Southside, Eastside.
. Who didn't shop at Skydels? Or Nydens?
. Who hasn't had at least one meal at DrumStik Barbecue or Galaxy Diner?
. You walked to Grants on Boston Ave. or Shoppers Fair at the other end.

A 96-Year-Old's Letter to Bank

2007-04-12T16:01:00.001-04:00

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with
me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
buttons as follows

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.

Your Humble Client

Men!

2007-04-12T15:50:00.000-04:00

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day

Alternatives to Swearing at Work

2007-04-12T11:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter
INSTEAD OF:
She's a b___ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late:
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f____ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF SAYING:
Tell someone who gives a sh___.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f___ problem.

8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h__ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He don't know sh___.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh___ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a___.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a___.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF :
Who the h__ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr__ck.

19) TRY SAYING:
That's not how I would handle that.
INSTEAD OF:
If he talked to me like that, I would kick his a___!

Thank You,
Human Resources

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

2007-04-12T09:55:00.000-04:00

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of! my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs.A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few.

Mid Life

2007-04-12T09:52:00.000-04:00

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a
great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great
menopause will be . . . Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and
would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or
maybe even just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives
us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We
are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can
see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're
sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager
and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can
retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand
McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of
Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . You start pondering
the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice
ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved
ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that
you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply
have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my
philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10
pounds.

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's
why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk deleting this.)

Why God Made Moms

2007-04-12T09:50:00.000-04:00

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between Moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING -- SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!!

A Prayer for the Ladies

2007-04-12T09:49:00.001-04:00

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.

AMEN

A Woman's Poem

2007-04-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...

Like his mama used to do.

Should children witness child birth?

2007-04-12T09:45:00.000-04:00

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,
Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a
Little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
Bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
Wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
The first place........ Smack his ** again.

Good news for Apple people

2007-04-12T09:33:00.000-04:00

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.